Kate's Particular Point of View

The universe has been teaching me about abundance.  First there was the concept of financial abundance.  I have learned to actually manage living in this area (NoVA/DC) on less than half of the “accepted” minimum living wage.  I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back, a job and a car.  Maslow would be proud of me, meeting the basic fundamental needs.  Let’s move on to self-actualization.  So the next level of the hierarchy of needs includes such things as acceptance by the tribe; got that.  Life abundance, second lesson.  Good friends, decent coworkers, access to a spiritual community that accepts my belief system.  

Sort of an abundance concept is the peace and contentment that comes from awareness of self and Zen living.  Not sweating the small stuff and realizing, as the saying goes, that it is ALL small stuff.  Taking each day, each moment as it occurs; learning the lesson and then letting go of any emotional tie.  Going with the flow.

I am apparently slow on the uptake because the current lesson in abundance involves love.  Why on earth did I not make the natural connection to the idea that if the Universe was going to grant me financial abundance, it would not stint on love abundance?  I continue to be overwhelmed by the amazing fact of being loved by him as deeply, as thoroughly, as completely as I love him.  My feelings are absolutely mirrored and reflected–and returned, on a one-for-one, equal basis.  

And so I struggle with this.  I have not gotten rid of all the emotional baggage I thought I had.  I am embarrassed to say that some old ideas and behaviors are rearing ugly heads and trying to sabotage the happy joy machine.  I am doubtful and disbelieving of the most obvious proofs of being loved.  I still am disinclined to accept that anyone truly loves me first as deeply as I had ever hoped or dreamed for and second, as much as I love them.

I have a history of trying to maintain relationships with ummm shall we say, emotionally unavailable men?  It’s the trite but true story of a woman looking to repair or redo the relationship with her father by reliving it with her significant other/s.  And in this relationship, for the first time in my life, I have a man who is not emotionally distant.  Freaks me out.  Not really sure how to deal with it.  Love it all the same.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place, where I am able to recognize that this is my forever relationship, he is my partner, my lover, the other half of my being.  As expressed so eloquently by someone else who had this kind of relationship, I love who I am when I am with him.  I am better, I am more truly myself with him than I was without.  The part that completely baffles me is that he feels this way about me.  

It is an overwhelming, filling with awe sort of feeling, to know that all the depth of love I have for him is reciprocated at exactly the same level of intensity.  We find that we are stressed out and anxious when separated and each reunion, even if the absence has been only a few hours….is like your family dog greeting you.  ”You’ve been gone forever, I thought you were NEVER coming back, I am sooooo glad to see you!!!”  

The people around us gag from the sweetness.  

The same sense of Truth that I get from my spiritual  beliefs is present when I examine my feelings of love.  I will be with this man for the rest of our lives; I see no other man but him; I want no other man but him.  And he feels the same about me.  

And he feels the same about me.  The overpowering, overwhelming sense of love I have for him, he has for me.  What on this green earth did I do to deserve this?  It’s an amazing, amazing thing.  I just have to shake my head in wonder as I realize that the Universe is once again giving me so much more than I had asked or wished for–once again, there is an abundance beyond my ability to conceive of…an abundance of love and all of its manifestations in my life.

Be careful what you wish for, I said; for the Universe is a generous, giving Universe and you will find yourself abundantly blessed with all that you need, with most of what you want and with the very thing that you ask for–except that it will  be an abundance that surpasses your wildest dreams.  Hold out your hands, here it comes….

Be careful what you wish for.  Why?  Because you might get it.  Then what?

I left my husband of 17 years in 1999.  I had learned from him that being alone was not the worst thing I could do.  But the leaving still caused a major paradigm shift in my life.  In that single act, I lost pretty much every aspect of my life: financial security, future security, social status, tribal identity, religious faith.  I was blessed to have a friend that let me hide out in her house until I was able to stand on my own two feet.

Once I could stand, I began to walk my own path.  In the intervening 11 years, I have learned how to be alone and have a happy life.  Oh I have my own tribe now, my group of friends.  I have a job that makes enough money for me to have the basic needs of life and some of the things I want.  I have grown in ways that would never have been possible any other route.

I have found me, the me I was born as.  And I was happy in this life–but there were times when a certain tristesse (French word, basically means a sweet sadness) would overcome me.  I hoped for that someone I could share my life with–without either of us having to change anything major to accomodate the joining.

Three years ago, I thought I had it.  He was all I had asked for–except I forgot to ask for “healthy”.  Do you know what it’s like to watch the man you might have loved die?  It’s the not knowing that makes it that much harder.  We never got the chance to explore anything.

So I went on, same as I had been.  Doing my thing, hanging with my friends, sitting to the computer.  And finally, I decided that it wasn’t going to happen.  I let go of the wanting and waiting.  Said, okay.  I’m going to be alone the rest of my life and I’m all right with that.  Accepted the idea, really took it to heart.

The gods have a real sense of irony.  Less than two weeks later, I met him.  Yes, “HIM”.  Everything I had asked for; similar spiritual path, intelligent, funny, kind…and healthy.  Even his name holds incredibly good associations for me from my own past…

Whirlwind romance is not the most accurate description.  How about collision?  Speed of light fusion?  The parallels in our thinking, in our views, in our behavior is frightening.  How can I love him this fast?  Because I love me and he is me–and I am him.  And love him, I do.  I know that I had an existence prior to him, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was like.

Even as we acknowledge the incredible speed we are moving at, we do nothing to slow it down.  He completes me and I didn’t even think I was incomplete.  He wants to please me.  Dear gods, the gift of that.  The love he gives me…the pleased expression when I tell him that I love him.  The joy of being able to say it.

I know we are freaking out our friends even as we overload them on sugary gloppiness…but when it’s this unbearably right, why wait?  Why waste time that could be spent together?  We can hardly bear to be separated–probably a natural reaction to the lonely lives we were leading, but…not necessarily going to end even when our skin hunger is finally assuaged. 

The easy way we are together, like an old married couple…less than three weeks after we first talked.  The completely frank way we discuss the years to come–together.  With each conversation, we find out more about each other–and the synchronicity of our brains is almost frightening.  He tells me his dreams and they are mine; we frequently have the same thought in two minds. 

Soul mates?  It has to be.  There’s no other explanation for this.  We pine when we are apart and our reunions are always joyous.  I’m sure our friends figure we’ve dropped off the face of the earth…no phone calls, few emails, little texting, barely online long enough to update the social networks.  Chores aren’t getting done, life is on hold…at least until we can figure out a way to integrate our lives as deeply as our souls. 

This was definitely worth waiting for.  What a generous, generous Universe there is…so be careful what you wish for.

Welcome to the place where I share my thoughts, my life…probably not on a regular basis, but as the mood strikes me and when I feel like it.  I welcome feedback or comments as long as they are pertinent to the topic at hand.  Please: no spam, no trolls, no links to sex sites.  This is my blog, not CraigsList. 
Looking forward to the dialogue…